Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.
10 Reasons why I live in Maine year round
After a warm autumn, frigid air blew into Maine during the second week of November, making life more difficult. Dressing in layers, donning a coat and hat, and finding a matched pair of gloves is no contest for slipping into summer sandals, shorts, and t-shirt.
The skin on my cold hands is dry and shriveled, so my iPhone no longer recognizes my fingerprints. On a positive note, this might be the ideal time to rob a bank with these untraceable digits.
We (Patrick) tucked the lawn furniture into the storage shed, branches relinquished their leaves, and frost painted the perennials a drab color of brown.
I watched a steady stream of Air Streams head south on the interstate, and at one point I was sure they were driving in a V-formation. They were honking so loud I couldn’t hear myself sobbing.
I asked myself, “Why do I stay in Maine enduring winter in one of the winter-iest states in the nation?”
Here are my top 10 reasons for staying on the wrong side of the cold front.
1. Red plaid is superb at hiding salsa dribbles.
2. I love the thrill of doing an unexpected 360 while driving down the highway during a snowstorm.
3. How else would I test my night vision if I didn’t live in darkness for three months? Side note: I estimate about five years before I become ‘one of those people’ who doesn’t drive after dark.
4. I enjoy a reprieve from the relentless chirping of birds.
5. I’m relieved that men with boobs more substantial than mine cover them with shirts and sweaters.
6. For every degree the thermometer drifts below zero, the chances of a tick munching on me drop by a million percent.
7. I can deal with alligator skin easier than alligators in my backyard.
8. Feeling happy year round would be a drag. Who can tolerate a person who is perpetually chipper?
9. I don’t like to swim.
10. My son and his family live here and being away from them would be more unbearable than frostbite.
Will I ever change my mind and join the geezers leaving our winter wonderland? Trading snow for warm sand and hot beverages for ice-cold mojitos?
I can’t deny that by March or April I would welcome a dose of heat and enjoy sipping on something besides hot chocolate. Do you suppose the grandsons and their parents would come and visit us?
Honk! Honk!
-Molly Stevens
Molly Stevens believes humor is the emollient that soothes life’s rough patches and promotes these convictions in her blog: Shallow Reflections. She is the author of an adult picture book, Boomer on the Ledge, and the creator of Boomer on the Ledge Dolls. You can also follow Molly on Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin, Pinterest, and Instagram.