​​​​​​Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.

Not sure if you’re actually having sex? I can help. ​(cont'd)

Apparently, this is how a cheater thinks. They phoned and flirted and texted and kissed and said “I love you” and made passionate furtive whoopee in hotel rooms, but they convinced themselves that it wasn’t cheating because “we didn’t have sex.” 

Translation: We did everything two lovers can do. Except schtup. 

And this isn’t sex??

On what planet?

When my friends learned about Mike and Maggie, many more than I’d have thought confided that their boyfriends, husbands and/or dads had played by the same rules. They had affairs that they justified as not really being affairs because there was no penis-into-vagina action.

Hell, even the President of the United States was on board.  “I did not have sexual relations with that woman!” 

Yeah. Except for all the blow jobs. 

There’s a reason they call it oral sex and not oral philosophy or oral sunshine, rainbows and moonbeams. 

Clearly, we’ve got a linguistic problem here.  

So? In the interest of better communication, I’d like to get a few definitions on the table.  If the two of you get a hotel room together? You‘re guilty. Even if you don’t enjoy penetration. Even if all of your clothes don’t come off.  Even if you only roll around and smooch and tell each other what special little snowflakes you are.     

Even if the two of you are just sitting there together, fully clothed, reading the Bible.

You’re still having sex and you know it. 

I’m calling that out. That’s sex. In fact, going forward, I’m calling it Mike-and-Maggie.