​​​​​​Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.

Not sure if you’re actually having sex? I can help.

When I stumbled upon evidence that the man I’d loved and trusted for 20 years had a secret girlfriend for the past 10 of those years, he tried to deny it.

“We never had sex!” he told me.  And I believed him. For about two minutes.

“You never kissed?”

“We did kiss.” 

“Did you hug and grope?” 

“We did.”

“Did you take your clothes off?”

“Yes.”
 

“Did you give each other orgasms?” 

“Yes. But -- we never fucked!”

If he’s to be believed (and maybe he’s not, since he’s clearly an accomplished liar) they had a secret love affair going for 10 years but they never once had good old-fashioned sexual intercourse. 

I’ll admit that once Mike confessed that he and Maggie had done everything else, part of me thought, “If you’ve gone that far, why stop? For goodness sakes, you’re already committing adultery. Why not go ahead and bonk?” 

Deniability.

“This isn’t really sex!” they assured each other, and Mike, later, told me. “So what we’re doing isn’t wrong.”