Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.
The flight
Flying always seemed like such a headache. I'm a pretty calm person but an anxious flyer by the time I would get to the airport 2+ hours early, go through all the TSA stuff, wait in long lines, and get frisked just because...maybe I looked suspicious? I don't know why. Maybe my blonde hair and blue eyes gave me away?
No, the last time the problem was wearing my large, Barefoot Dreams Drape Nordstrom sweater over my shoulders. This cardigan robe is like a blanket. I was sternly told to put my sweater on before walking through the body scanner. Don't ever wear a sweater over your shoulders. I guess TSA gets jumpy and that sends up red flags when they see a woman of my age and fair skin not wearing their sweaters.
I was ordered to put my sweater completely on or throw it on that filthy black conveyer scanner, which I’m sure has never been cleaned. I don't like to be picked out of the crowd especially for something so nebulous. So, I try to put on this very large, soft frilly sweater but I could not find the arms, and the faces of the TSA agents now we're getting more suspicious of me because it was taking so long and I was looking and feeling apprehensive. How absurd that I could really not find the arms of this sweater. It's like they just disappeared, which was ludicrous of course. Since I was now looking like some sort of contortionist and feeling humiliated, I just regretfully threw my new sweater on the conveyer. Not happy! After all that, they frisked me anyway which I still haven't a clue why.
The worst was not over. I then find a seat close to where boarding begins and I sit and wait. I wait for my seat row to be called out and accelerate into the crowded line to board the aircraft. I stand there and inch my way up. The need to have my own personal space, which I covet to the highest degree, is gone but I live through it. I then expedite my pace to board and find my precious seat which will give me some comfort.
First I have to crush my bag into the already over packed overhead bin which I can do very well with all my adrenaline flowing. I sit down and can finally breathe until I see this person of obese proportion looking at the seat next to me. I quickly pray but my prayers go unanswered.