​​​​​​Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.

The marathon marathon

Sometime after my divorce, I decided to take up running.  I thought it would be a good way to stay in shape, and to meet new people. I even joined a running group. 

Immersed in running, I was inspired to run in a local marathon, and convinced one of my girlfriends to join me.  There was no way that we could do the entire distance via running, but we could definitely complete the 26.2 miles via cycles of running and walking.  And we could pass the time catching up on each other’s lives. 

On marathon day, we started the race with thousands of other runners.  I noticed that one of the participants ahead was an extremely overweight man wearing a propeller hat.  We easily passed him by, and I thought that he had no business running a marathon, as he was a likely candidate for a heart attack. 

After several cycles of run/walks, we soon found ourselves doing a lot more walking than running.  When it came time for our first restroom break, we agreed that a port-a-potty was not going to cut it.  So we found a coffee shop on the route, and waited on a long line to use it.  While we were there, we bought some coffee too. 

Later, it was close to lunchtime.  Most runners carry power bars, power gel, trail mix or some kind of portable food to keep them moving.  Instead, we decided it would be nice to stop at Wendy’s to sit down and enjoy a meal.  And so we did. 

Over the hours, we made several more rest stops, each time refusing to use the port-a-potties, and waiting on lines to use the rest rooms at various establishments along the way.  Finally, the finishing line was in view.  As we crossed the line, the timer clocked us in at over 8 hours!  This was a full 5 hours slower than the marathon my brother had run many years ago.  Our “run” had taken so long that the crew was dismantling the barriers and bleachers to close down the race.  And worse, I noticed that obese “propeller man” had finished ahead of us!  Well, we may have had one of the slowest times in marathon history, but we sure had fun doing it. 

​- J.L.