​​​​​​Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.

Up on the roof

Sometimes I’m just clueless.  And sometimes I’m brain dead.

There is a comedy law of threes, but I don’t feel like making a third self-deprecating statement right now so I’ll just let it go at that.

I had just stopped at the local Wawa convenience store and picked up a couple of cups of coffee for me and my friend Ellen. I wasn’t in a great mood because I’d just come from yoga on a day where downward facing dog described  not only one of the hardest poses for me to perform but also how I felt about myself in the world that day.

I was irritated about decisions I’d made and decisions I hadn’t made and decisions I was yet to make which I’d be irritated about tomorrow, and I spilled one of the coffees on myself and it was on a shirt I liked and I didn’t know if the stain would come out and I was late for Ellen’s place in the first place.

And she gets pissed off when you’re late.

I got into the car and put the key in the ignition and suddenly a car behind me started honking.

Why?   My driving isn’t exactly the best but I’ve never yet caused a three car collision before I’ve even started moving.

“He’s nuts!” I thought and I pulled out of the space.

The guy hit the horn again, and I looked around. There’s nobody walking behind me, no car coming in the opposite direction, and no anvil from a Warner Brothers cartoon isn’t about to fall on me.  Fuck him!

I drove out the exit of the Wawa and two more cars sounded their horns.  What the hell was I doing wrong?  You’d think I had a Trump sticker on the back of my car.  Hell, you’d think I had Trump on the back of my car!

I’m was going four miles an hour. What harm can I do at a speed like that?  Allow cobwebs to form that impede future traffic?

I gave ‘em both the finger.

But when I got on the road, a guy in a pickup truck behind me began blasting his horn.  I glanced back and I saw a bearded, tattooed guy the size of Paul Bunyan jawing away frantically!  Just what I need - a lumberjack anti-Semite!   

I turned the corner and he followed me and pulled up beside me! Big trouble now!  But for what?

The lumberjack got out of his car, came up to my open window, and reached out his hands.

My life began to flash before my eyes.  If only I’d had a more interesting life, the flashback would have lasted longer and I’d have more time. But no, the flashback had just started and already I was up to watching Baywatch in 1994.