​​​​​​Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.

When ducks attack

In Canada where wildlife rangers are the best in the world, and mounted police are seven feet high (on horseback that is), humans are viewed by the local wildlife as items on the menu, or if trying to escape, as fast food. But in an environment where mountain lions and bear attacks are frequent, I bet the call never goes out, “Duck attack in progress." 

Ducks appear inoffensive, waddling around with smiles on their faces, like friendly drunks. Their beaks, unlike the dagger and sword shapes that other birds possess, resemble ice cream scoops. But when ducks join a gang, they acquire an attitude, if they had caps they’d wear them back to front, and you would never refer to one of them as Donald. 

At the zoo where I’d recently joined the keeping staff, a large duck pond housed the waterfowl equivalent of the local street gang, led by a female Black swan and her henchman a Muscovy duck. A Muscovy duck is like a regular duck on steroids. If the guy, who designed the president’s bombproof limousine, designed a duck, it would be a Muscovy. The Muscovy and Black Swan attacked any person that entered their enclosure, and then celebrated by noisily mating. 

My job was easy; all I had to do was empty a bucket of corn in the shallows of the pond. The ducks would then feed and quack about what’s occurring in the duck world. As I entered the enclosure, the Muscovy and his dusky partner made their way slowly in my direction.  I would normally be in and out of there in a flash, but the pond was frozen. I had joined the zoo in midwinter, and all my work colleagues wore so many clothes, their shape and sex remained a mystery till spring. When the onion layers of attire were discarded, some surprises were revealed. 

Leaving the pond frozen would mean the waterfowl, which roost on the water of a night, would be at risk from foxes. I started to jump up and down on the ice to break it, and was doing well. Until I suddenly descended into the icy water. The Muscovy and Black Swan advanced, leading the rest of the web-footed posse.