Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.
Winners and LOSERS!
A few years ago I stumbled across a chicken video on Facebook, which was my first exposure to and awareness of the Brahma type of chicken. I watched as the unbelievably massive rooster strutted, nay lumbered, out of his coop and my mouth fell open. I'd never seen a chicken this big. I didn't know they existed! It looked to be larger than a turkey! On its way to emu size even!
I was sorely impressed.
And I instantly wanted one.
I wanted several in fact. The more I read about this calm, hearty, cold-loving bird, the more determined I was to have a flock of them up here on our mountain. They were good for eggs and meat and as an added benefit, their scary, awesome size would protect us from all unwanted intruders! Perfect!
That night as Butch stumbled into the house, I shoved my phone in his face and said, "Watch this! We gotta have some of these! Right now!" He put his things down, dutifully watched the lumbering, be-feathered giant, and ... agreed with me. "Yeah those are some huge suns of beaches. Everybody on the mountain will be afraid to come up here! I'm gonna call Bob."
Now for those of you not in the know, we have some off grid neighbors on our mountain named Bob and Sharon (not really their names but close enough). They are true Preppers. They are ready for anything - war, nuclear winter, Armageddon, you name it. They are READY.
We, on the other hand, are not Preppers. We are simply people who wanted land and the only land we could afford was on top of a mountain with no electricity or any city services whatsoever, miles from town, land that no one else wanted. And we are not ready for anything at all really. We're just, you know, here.
So anyway, Butch calls Bob who puts Butch on speaker phone so his wife Sharon can hear too. Butch excitedly tells Bob ALL about these chickens and how huge and awesome they are and what big eggs they lay and how hearty and cold-loving they are and that we'll be the first to get them up here on the mountain to try them out for everyone else and see how they do and they're so cool, so hence, WE'LL be cool having them, and ...
"I just ordered some" says Bob.
Butch asks, "Whut??"
Bob smugly answers, "Sharon looked them up while you were talking and already ordered 20 of them. So, yeah, WE'LL be the first to have them. Heh heh heh."
Butch sits there stunned for a minute. He looks up at me and tells me that Bob already ordered some and I gasp and say, "No way! That butthead! You shouldn't have told him about them! Well, TWO can play that game!"
Butch tells Bob that I called him a butthead and both Bob and Sharon laugh UPROARIOUSLY while I'm looking the mammoth chickens up online to see how to order them. I can't believe he beat us to it! Arg!! WE were going to be the cool ones with the prehistoric chickens! Not them!!
This has apparently devolved into some sort of competition I don't understand, but I don't have to understand. The game is ON! They don't know who they are messing with. Preppers. Snort! I'll show you Preppers!
*Two years later*
I have no Brahma chickens. I never got any Brahma chickens. Butch wouldn't build a new chicken house for me, complete with wood burning stove, sink and lounge area so I refused to get them. Bob and Sharon truly beat us that time.
But it's okay. You know why? Bob and Sharon get so many chicken eggs each week that they BEG us to take them off their hands.
Hmmm... free eggs, no spending tons of money on feed, or dealing with chicken poop or lice or pecking problems...
Hmmm ... methinks we won that one after all.
Heh, heh, heh ;)
-Alisha Brewer Nelson
Alisha is a city girl learning to live off grid on a mountain in Montana with a country boy, four Golden Retrievers, one huge Irish Wolfhound and one annoyingly affectionate cat. All make for an endless supply of funny stories, even if they weren't funny at the time. She is the author of The Funny Side of the Mountain: Snow Way I'm Going Off Grid! and Caller's Spring - The Sweet Life: Trust. You can follow her on her blog, The Funny Side of the Mountain, and on Facebook.