How to prepare for a hurricane in 15 easy steps
As many of you know, I live in south Florida, and we experienced the wrath of Hurricane Irma. It was frightening to say the least, and despite losing much of our beautiful landscaping, our power, and our internet (gasp!), we survived unscathed, thank God.
In order to occupy my time during the long power outage, I did what I do best when I'm stressed----I turned to humor and wrote the following post on how to prepare for a hurricane. Enjoy!
1. Turn on weather channel. Note lines for bottled water, gas, and plywood. Hit panic mode the minute you realize you are in the "cone of concern."
2. Ignoring the gallons of available tap water from your kitchen sink, map out strategic plan to find brand name water bottles in your neighborhood. Camp outside Walmart at 5:30 a.m. until the supply truck rolls in.
3. Tune into weather channel, chew your fingernails down to bloody stubs and tell everyone on social media how frightened you are.
4. Sit in line two hours for gas. Yell obscenities at the guy taking 30 minutes to fill up ten containers for his generator.
5. Stock up on eggs, liquor and bread. Return to store for a case of Twinkies and several bags of Cheetos.
6. Watch old videos online of other catastrophic hurricanes, then tell everyone on social media that you think you might die.
7. Realize you are low on batteries and spend four hours driving around town until you find the last package for 75$ sold by some shady guy at a roadside stand. Ignore the expiration date of 07/2010 on the box.
8. Tune into weather channel and realize you need more wood, more nails, and a helluva lot more toilet paper.
9. Update your will.
10. Wash ALL of your underwear in the event you are unable to do laundry. Consider buying adult diapers.
11. Check The Weather Channel. Eat entire tube of Pringles.
12. Cover all windows with shutters and plywood. Velcro your three cats together so you don't lose them in the storm. Hunker down in the bathtub with your mattress and the velcroed cats.
13. Consume three sacks of chocolate chip cookies while you wait out the storm.
14. Once the hurricane passes, prepare to live in the Dark Ages in 90 degree heat with no electricity, no hot water, and people who have not bathed in a week.
15. Celebrate your survival by polishing off the rest of the Twinkies.
-Marcia Kester Doyle
Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane," and the voice behind the midlife blog, Menopausal Mother. Her work has appeared in The Washington Post, Cosmopolitan, Woman's Day, Good Housekeeping, House Beautiful, Country Living, and The Huffington Post, among others.