There’s an old joke about a man who goes to a psychiatrist and complains that he can’t stop thinking about sex. So, the good doctor starts his treatment with an inkblot test.
"What is this a picture of?" he asks.
"It’s a man and woman making love," the man replies.
"And this?" he says, showing him another blot.
"A man and a woman making love," he replies to this and every card that follows it.
"It’s true," the psychiatrist says, "you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"What do you mean me?" the man replies. "You’re the one with the dirty pictures."
After listening to my daughter’s early efforts at speech, I’ve gained a new appreciation for the joke.
The reason is simple, really. I’ve been shocked to discover that my daughter has a real potty mouth.
Just the other day, for example, I heard her say, "dumbass."
To be fair, it sounded more like "damas," but I was so stunned that I didn’t know whether to yell or laugh as she sat on the toilet, pointed to the shower rod where we sometimes hang their clothes and yelled, "Dumbass! Dumbass! Dumbass!" in that cute way that only kids can.
My wife claims she was referring to her pajamas (or "’jamas" as Cindy says she calls them). I’m not so sure.
As she was getting dressed, she kept proclaiming, "Suck! Suck! Suck!"
My wife claims she was talking about footwear, but I’m dubious. If she really wanted to cover her feet, why did she ask for only one?
Later that same morning, she was eating breakfast while I was busy running around cleaning the kitchen and she used the ‘S ’word.
My wife claims she was saying she wanted to sit with her, but I don’t believe it. Everytime I sit down with her, she asks for a guy named "Moe" – even though we don’t know anyone by that name – and she won’t stop asking for him until she gets a second helping of whatever she’s eating. Besides, she’s also used the phrase when she was in bed and when she’s sitting in her car seat. In fact, in one memorable instance, we’re pretty sure we heard her say "Eat s—t" right after she found some cheerios in her car seat and threw them in her mouth. What concerns me most, however, is her repeated use of the F word. It comes up a lot at dinner, especially when she’s eating slippery finger food and can’t get it all on her spoon. "F--! F---! F---!" she yells.
My wife insists she’s yelling for a fork, but I don’t believe it for a second because it doesn’t explain why she says the same obscenity whenever we’re looking at her muppet baby books and she sees pictures of a character named Kermit.
So, now I’m worried about how difficult it will be to take her out in public, especially when she’s been swearing like a sailor. My wife tells me that I’m over-reacting because I have a dirty mind.
"Sure, I’ve got a dirty mind," I admit, "but I’m not the one using the four letter words."
David Volk is a very silly man. He is a Seattle-based freelance writer and a humorist disguised as a mild-mannered, part time retail technology sales person. He is currently collecting stories of funerals, death rites and rituals gone horribly terribly wrong for a book he’d like to write called “As I Die Laughing.” He specializes in writing about travel, food and business. He is the author of “The Cheap Bastard’s Guide to Seattle” and “The Tribe Has Spoken: Life Lessons From Reality TV.” You can watch him clean his office on Tiktok @davidgvolk or read his humor pieces on Medium at https://medium.com/@davidvolk1. He will work for food. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.