Because humor is funnier when you know it's true.
The best things about life after you’ve kicked him out
When I learned that the man I’d loved and trusted for two decades had a secret girlfriend for twelve years, I threw him out. I’m now a member of a support group for women who are no longer with our cheating partners.
It’s tough and it’s sad. But? Being single and free instead of hitched to a cad can feel pretty wonderful too. When a member of the group challenged us to list the things we loved about being single, here are a few of the things we came up with:
No snoring. No belching. No farting.
No guilt. No drama. No lies.
I can read in bed all night without being yelled at.
Nobody tells me how to spend my money or what color things should be.
I eat soup for breakfast, vacuum at 2am, blast the radio at daylight. I basically do what I want, when I want, without being told I’m weird or crazy.
No more in-laws!
I can finally get a cat.
I can run around in a towel without being groped.
No mantrums when I do my own thing like yoga or going to the gym.
I don’t exhaust myself on holidays.
Sleeping in the middle of my bed like a starfish!!!
Not walking on eggshells!
Not being judged all the time.
Not being deceived and lied to.
Spending money without being yelled at.
Listening to the music I love music in the car without being yelled at.
Having him visit the kids and be way more engaged than he ever was when he lived with us — then sending him home afterwards.
No more computer viruses from all the porn downloads.
No more motorcycles, boats, trucks, tools, fishing gear in MY garage.
No more smelly socks lying around or piles of fingernails in the sink.
Cooking whatever the hell I want without worrying about his having a meltdown.
My house is finally the right temperature.
I no longer have to shave my legs.
He will never cheat on me again.
Are you thinking of leaving a cheater? I feel for you. It’s not easy. But? Take heart. You’ve got a lot to look forward to.
-Roz Warren
Roz Warren (roswarren@gmail.com) writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times and has appeared on both the Today Show and Morning Edition. Roz is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES; A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR and JUST ANOTHER DAY AT YOUR LOCAL PUBLIC LIBRARY, and the editor of the ground-breaking Womens’ Glib humor collections, including titles like WHEN CATS TALK BACK and MEN ARE FROM DETROIT, WOMEN ARE FROM PARIS. She also curates the LIBRARY LAUGHS page on Facebook. Her work has been included in 10 Chicken Soup for the Soul collections. You can follow her on Muck Rack and on Medium.